A new mom and suffering from Mom Guilt every time you go for a run? You’re not alone. – By Sarah Canney

It’s 5:49 a.m. I’ve nursed Liam, donned my running clothes, tied my shoes, and now I’m standing at the door. I haven’t opened it. I’m just standing there. Thinking about my newborn babe, Liam, who has been attached to me in some way by cord or by boob for the last 10 months, asleep in his crib.

I’m about to leave him for the first time. And then there are my not-so-little babies asleep in the next room.The three of them are the most precious things to me, and I’m headed out the door to go for a walk. I’m not even running yet, I’m still recovering from childbirth—the very thing that has made me a mother—and I’m not walking far or for very long, but I feel a twinge of guilt. Not just any guilt, Mom Guilt.

I’ve felt it before, like last year when I was training hard for a marathon and would sneak out the side door at the sound of little feet padding down the hallway upstairs. “They’ll have to get Daddy,” I’d think and quietly rush out into the dawn, pushing thoughts of their sleeping faces out of my mind for the sake of fast paces and PRs.

Mom Guilt is a powerful emotion, something every mother-runner knows well. It’s that feeling that somehow choosing to run instead of being with your children is wrong. Sometimes it finds us in the middle of a run, causing us to cut our run short and turn home. Sometimes it stops us at the front door and the run never happens.

“There is a shift when we enter into motherhood where we go from being all about ourselves to being all about our kids,” says Amy Chouinard, MA, LCMHC who specialises in perinatal and women’s mental health. According to Chouinard, the source of our guilt comes from conflict between our expectations of what motherhood should be and our personal drives and interests.

“A lot of times we create unrealistic expectations, a hopefulness that doesn’t necessarily work well in our lives,” she says. “When people create unrealistic expectations for themselves, yet still try to strive for them, they come into a lot of internal conflict and that is where the guilt rises.” Our expectations of what it means to be a mother are molded by our own experiences being parented: often times we react in opposition to our upbringing or try to emulate it. Our idea of motherhood is also shaped by social pressures, or what Chouinard calls the “Facebook Syndrome”.

Our experience being mothered and our perception of other mothers can create unrealistic expectations, ones that cannot coexist with what we feel we want or need and suddenly going out for a run makes us a bad mother. “We make comparisons with other people or with our assumptions of other people or with our assumptions of other people’s assumptions of us,” commented Dr. Kate Hays, Ph.D, licensed psychologist, and published author. “There’s a very strong tendency to feel like whatever it is that I am doing isn’t the way it should be.”

But the guilt we often feel isn’t just coming from that internal conflict. Often it’s more biological than that. When speaking to the science behind our guilt Dr. Hays goes on to say, “Running is effortful. There are going to be a variety of voices that are going to say, ‘Why are you doing this?’ ‘Why are you pushing yourself so hard?’ If you have a young child, that voice can easily say, ‘Oh, and you’re a bad mother.’ It really is the body saying, ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’” Just like the voices of doubt that nag you on the hardest runs, guilt can become another internal negative voice giving you a reason to stop running.

Sometimes those internal voices of guilt aren’t the only ones we hear. We can face opposition from loved ones, family and even friends who are unsupportive of our desire to run. Often they become a tangible, external voice to the ones we hear inside our head. To navigate through those relationships, Dr. Hays notes it’s helpful to “articulate what is important to you in a nondefensive way.”

Chouinard recommends asking questions of yourself to explore why the criticism of others creates internal conflict, “You have to ask yourself: Why does this person have so much power?” Perhaps the external voice increases your sense of guilt because it hits on a place of insecurity created by unrealistic expectations.

Despite those feelings of guilt, there are plenty of good reasons to keep running. ‘We know that exercise is one of the best antidepressants out there,” Chouinard says. The American Psychological Association suggests as much as 16 percent of new mothers struggle with postpartum depression. Running can be a helpful way to combat some of those feelings. Shortly after the birth of our son Jack, almost three years ago, I recall feeling “swallowed up.”

I felt like I’d lost myself in the care of my two children. Setting my sights on a goal race and taking time for myself to run helped clear my mind and gave me time to rationalise all the strong emotions I was feeling. I regained a sense of self out on the road, and became a better mother because of it. “The analogy that comes to my mind is the announcement in an airplane when you’re about to take off: You put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it onto a dependant person,” says Dr. Hays, commenting on the importance of self-care. There’s also huge benefits to goal directed behavior. “If one can meet [a] goal, then one can generalize to your capacity to be focused and goal directed in other ways as well, says Dr. Hays. And the little ones you often feel guilty for leaving, are watching you. Looking to you as a role model.

There are a few steps that you can take to effectively deal with your Mom Guilt:

Recognise the Guilt: Recognising and naming your guilt is an effective place to start. Then identify the source of that guilt—is it an external voice or an internal voice? Look at your Definition of Motherhood and Redefine Your Expectations: Try to understand where your expectations are coming from and why you have them. Asking questions like: What does motherhood look like for me? What are realistic expectations of my role as a mom, given my life? Why is running important to me? Why do I feel I need it? Answering these questions and comparing them to your values can lead to revealing answers, which can result in making changes or perhaps make you feel more confident in your decisions as a runner and a mother.

Make a Plan: If you find yourself cutting a run short or never making it out the front door due to guilt, make decisions beforehand in regards to time or distance. Then commit to that decision, so that internally it becomes non-negotiable. “Some of the guilt comes from the perception that running is a ‘hobby.’ What is effective in dealing with the guilt is not seeing [running] as a hobby, but as a necessity,” says Dr. Hays. If your running time becomes a non-negotiable necessity, then you are much more likely to follow through and without guilt.

Reframe the Situation: Instead of looking at running as a failure in your role in motherhood, look at time away from your kids for self-care or as an opportunity for your child to bond with a spouse, friend, or family member who may care for them when you leave. And keep in mind that modeling goal-setting behaviour can be hugely beneficial to young children.

Sometimes, though, the guilt can point toward an issue that needs to be addressed.

“Guilt has the potential for being very useful,” Dr. Hays says. She recommends taking time to reflect on the role of running in your life. Sitting down with your partner on a regular basis to talk about your running and racing plans can be very helpful in establishing a healthy balance between running and life. It is important to recognise, too, that “balance” is not static, but changes as life responsibilities and situations change. “If you feel confident about the decisions you’ve made, then you can respond [to internal and external voices of guilt] appropriately and effectively,” Chouinard adds. “But if not, perhaps the guilt is telling you something. Maybe you need to assess the role running is playing in your life?”

Finally, I open the door. The air is fresh, damp with a night rain. The overcast skies make the world feel close and quiet. I begin to walk. I know these steps will have me stronger and running soon enough. One foot in front of the other, alone with my thoughts of fast paces and PRs and big goals. No one demanding my help, my attention, or my body. And it feels so good.